Im sitting here, drinking scalding hot milo despite the fact its like, 35933959683882556 degrees, and i havent even got the fan on.

Currently, so many things are occuring to me.

It occurs to me that i should go get my handphone from where ever it is i last threw it and check if anyone's been calling me or messaging me about something important, or at the very least switch off the silent mode so i can check on it later.

It occurs to me that there is a good reason why the dreamweaver icon is in limegreen. It cause there will be a constant annoying reminder that i should get started on webgraph before i cause my entire group to fail.

It occurs to me that i should also get started on the flash assignment, before i have to rush out something crappy at the last minute and end up flunking the entire webgraph module.

It occurs to me that i should start studying for medisoc and marketing, because the exams arent really that far from now. just a few more weeks and there's so much to learn.

It occurs to me that i should do something about my brother's lunch, because its already way past lunch time and neither of my parents are home.

It occurs to me that i should really go tidy up my room and get my life back in order.

But.

I'm not doing any of that (dont worry Jamie, Nigel and Ling, i'll get started on webgraph when im done with this entry xD)

The past two days, i thought my mother was being weak (even though i knew jolly well in reality she's a strong strong woman), and why didnt she just pull herself together ASAP and get on with life already.

Of course, i didnt feel as much grief as she did, nor did i shed as much tears as she. After all, its two totally different situatations. But.

Something else occured to me (sorry i know this whole "occuring" thing is getting annoying)

Even though im not as at a loss as my mom, and im not feeling that depressed or whatever, i finally know what she means when she says she feels like a ship at sea who's lost its compass and every other navigational device known to man.

Sure, i dont wander around the house not knowing what to do, or sit on my bed and stare into nothingness for ages on end but yesterday, when i tried blogging about what happened, i couldnt

And whenever i tried talking about it, the words either didnt come out right, or couldnt come out at all. I couldnt comfort my mom properly, because i was still grappling with the fact that this was a loss that nothing no one could do to change. Forever.

4 days ago, my mother's oldest sister, my first aunt, passed away after a long, exhausting fight with cancer.

My aunt was a strong woman. She fought cancer for more than a year, and each time we visited her, and her condition was worse than the last time we saw her, she never once complained how much it hurt.

Even towards the last few weeks, she still shouldered on, found the strength to give my mom and my other aunt advice, found the strength and mental capacity to worry about her nieces and nephews and above it all, did it without ONCE complaining.

How amazing is that?

And my uncle. I really respect him. He closed down his clinic for ages, not going back to work, just so he could personally take care of my aunt, whether it was at home, or at the hospital, he never left her side. Sadistic as this sounds, im glad that when she departed, she departed knowing that her husband loved her so much. I dont know but im sure its a little comfort amidst the pain.

During the whole 3 days of wake, funeral and cremation, everytime i looked at her children, i couldnt help but wonder if their smiles would ever be the same again.

And i kept getting flashbacks of the many years we spent together, growing up. Even though our schedules were so different that the only times we got to meet each other were the new year, christmas and the random event in between, each time we got together, it was as though we spent every day of our lives together.

All the crazy christmases we spent. And how we used to beg our parents for sleepovers, all those many years ago. Heck, i still get excited when i know im going for a sleepover at their place.

And i remember the last christmas i spent with their family, me and my brother. It was last year, in their new home. I remember how we went to their church for christmas mass on christmas eve, and then we walked to the petrol station and bought Ben & Jerrys and proceeded back to their place to demolish them within 10 minutes. And how we refused to go to sleep, because in less than 2 hours, it would be christmas! In the end, we ended up sitting around in the bedroom and waiting for the clock to strike 12. And when it did, we flew down the stairs and to the christmas tree, where all the presents were.

My aunt gave me this necklace she got while she was in Egypt. Its a pendant with my name in hieroglyphics. I loved it so much then, and i still do. I'll post pictures of that christmas and everything else when i get my other lappie running.


Now, everytime when i go to their place, its going to feel so weird because i dont think im ever going to get used to greeting my uncle and not seeing my aunt. Everytime i went over to their place, my aunt would tell me to go up to her library -which incidentally is bigger than my living room- and recommend me a few titles to read. She always made sure we felt welcome. She'd play us beautiful music on the amazing sound system in her TV room, lend my mom and i books from her collection and let my brother run amok with her guard dog, who ironically, was the friendliest dog around.

I guess my aunt will never really be gone. To quote Dumbledore from Harry Potter, "do you think those who loved us will truly ever be gone?"

its true you know. She has always been the guiding light of her sisters, and will continue to be. She lives on in my mom, my second aunt and her kids. And, my family will be taking over her old BMW (buying it of course) because my mom says she cant bear to let it go, so each time we take the car, she will be with us in spirit.

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Death is such a surreal thing.

It brings people apart, but when a family bonds over the death, it brings everyone closer.

It weakens us at first, but after this storm, we will all emerge stronger than before.

It will glaringly remind us of our loss, but remind us of what we gained from this ordeal.


To my aunt Germaine, where ever you are now -somewhere in heaven i mean- i pray that you'll continue to watch over us and give us the guidance that we'll need. May every amazing trait that you posessed -strength of heart, power of will, love of a mother etc etc etc etc etc- continue to live on in your children so that they will grow to become adults who will be worthy of being known as your children. I pray that your soul now rests in peace, and i pray that we will be able to continue to feel your presence, up till the day we depart and hopefully join you in heaven. You were a woman who believed very much in the Lord Jesus Christ, and i pray that you have been well recieved in His kingdom. You departed from us leaving behind a memory of you we will all respect greatly. We all miss you and because i know you live on in us, there are really no final goodbyes. Instead, we joy that you have now gained eternal life, one devoid of sufferings, devoid of pain and devoid of all the matters that plauge those on earth. Finally, even though i know this is so inadequate, thank you for everything you've done for us.


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(i know, this is a longer blog entry than normal)

Its been one thing after the other. now my grandma has been hospitalized. thank goodness it wasnt a stroke. it was something else, but i cant remember the name and even if i did, spelling it out is another issue. whatever it is, im glad she's ok and will be able to be discharged soon.

i really feel drained. tired. i think i'll go take a nap AND then do webgraph when i wake up.


PS: thanks everyone for the super sweet encouraging tags on my tagboard. xD