What is it like to escape? To be able to run away, to leave everything behind and just go? To know that despite everything that is keeping you back, you've already broken the shackles and have long gone.
Because i'd really like to know. I'd like to leave the reality that i'm in now and just disappear, to where ever. Be it the blackness of death, or the light of a new day that i will have to face somewhere else. I just want to know.
Because right now, there is a feeling gnawing inside me. A feeling i cannot quite describe, a feeling i cannot quite understand. A feeling that i have tried (and failed) chasing away with cigarettes and loud music.
A feeling that i want gone.
Christmas is coming in a few days, so is the much anticipated hk jaunt with ying and sy and a VERY much anticipated nearly-2-week break from work (office is closed).
despite that Christmas is all about love, giving and sipping hot chocolate around a roaring fireplace (or bbq pit in my case, if it pulls through), i'm not feeling festive at all. Its like, oh, its christmas?
big whoop. it's just another public holiday of the year that is just more "special" because its commercialized as hell.
i was talking to the funny one last night, and amidst the WTFs and the LOLs and the bantering back and forth, i realized (ok i realized this a long time ago) that i have nothing to live for except my friends. don't get me wrong guys, i'd gladly cover a puddle of mud with my favourite leather jacket so you don't get your shoes dirty but..
imo, its not a good enough reason to live is it. they always say you you should do things for yourself, which i agree with totally but what happens when yourself has reached a point of apathy where you find yourself not wanting anything anymore?
all my proverbial mountains that i was planning to scale with an enthusiam that could rival a cheerleader's have crumbled. start an ad agency, bah. open a bar, if it happens it happens lor. backpack around asia, meh.
"dont think so much" is pretty much the answer ive been getting. Thats besides the point. What difference does it make if i think about it or not? It's not like im going to be some emokid overnight and kill myself. I cant be bothered to, in any case. Too much of a hassle.
im tired of living life like this- just stumbling through the days and doing the minimum to survive. or barely the minimum, since i seem to be surviving on a diet of cigarettes and a few mouthfuls of whatever whenever.
so,
Dear Santa,
All i want for christmas this year is discover that there is something i want to fight for. something that i will throw my entire self into and stick with to the bitter end. something that will see me battered, but contented.
something that i will care about.
OKAY. call me crazy but after writing all that, i think i kinda like this life of apathy at the same time.
what is happening to me. god.
because im bored, because i havent posted a thing since december started and mainly because im waiting for the chance to hang out of my window and smoke, i'll do a xmas wish list to kill some time:
1. semi-shiny black riding boots with no/1-inch heel
2. dark blue skinnies with orange/white stiching
3. boxy steel grey messenger bag
4. black, red and gold havianas (yes i know they're overrated)
5. A DRAWING TABLET
6. the new macbook pro!
7. red/black crocodile skin clutch
8. honey toned crocodile skin heels
9. about $6000
10. gift vouchers to taka or tangs
11. drop 5-10kg overnight (ha)
12. 5 containers of take away peach fro-yo from yami yoghurt WITH granola and strawberry topping
13. A JEEP!
14. a queen sized futon and black sheets
15. a black drop chandelier
16. a carton of viceroy menthol lights
17. a kitty AND money to raise it properly
18. deep red leather jacket
19. one black and one silver lipring
20. shades
21. a good reason to live, and not live for the sake of living because dammit i really have no fucking clue why im here
22. more freelance job offers to keep me alive
23. a safe trip to hk and back from hk
24. huge ass gothic chunky bangles from Burberry
25. many many many epic nights
and.. dammit i still hear the tv.
