endless lit streets and paper cranes

maybe there's hope after all.

and suddenly, just like that, life is taking a turn for the better;
i hope.

so many books, and a fat load of help they'll do.

why isn't there a The Big Book of Answers, or a Dummies Guide to life or something?

been awake for barely 2 hours today, and already im as how-low-can-you-go.

barely two hours, and cracks are already forming in both my less-than-perfect worlds.

frost and exhaustion in one (or maybe its just me)

and

'i'll-use-you-and-you'll-use-me' in the other. what a relationship.

yep. i hate waking up.

if i could do drugs right about now, i say, bring on the meth and take me to skies.

god i need that gun.

so deep that it didnt even bleed

oh ho now im reduced to quoting songs.

not that there's anything wrong. just, not really my style.

not that it makes any difference, does it?

sad photos, i know. the band was good though. really good. nvss sucks like, i dunno, a-fucking-alot in comparison.

always so many cabs when you dont need them. fucking funny the way life works. like everything is such that you regret it like hell the minute the adrenaline cools. or that you want to slap yourself in the mouth and take back the words you've spoken. or how sometimes you want to stuff yourself into a little box and Fedex yourself off to another island and not caring if you fall off the boat/plane/whatever and get lost at sea and drown and die.

or how sometimes it feels like you've been slapped so damn hard in the face.

i keep messing up, and im so tired of it, just what the hell is wrong with me? the harder i try, the more i screw things up.

it's official, im beyond useless.

if anyone has got a gun, i wasn't kidding about the early xmas gift post i wrote in dec.

im afraid to face tomorrow. i wish i could choose a moment in time, freeze it, and live in it forever.

emotional ~~roller coaster~~ spaceshot.

so ironic, trust ceases to exist more each day.

whatever happened to innocence? or being able to just live without wondering if your eye is twitching because someone is talking bad about you.

i was on the swings a few nights back and while it brought about a flood of memories -scraping my knee, hysterical screams laced with uncontrollable giggles, being able to fly, bells of st.peter's- i couldnt get the feeling of being a little girl who didnt have a care in the world.

sad how we dont get to say goodbye to our innocence.

oh well. it's all about forgetting isn't it? and letting go.

dinner at vivo with shaf/rae/sy yesterday.

$17 worth of chicken rice, juicy stuff that splits, ciggies, sprawling on the ground, mats, $10 bnj lip balm and wading pools.

and away we go.

so much weird stuff the past few days. cheating assholes and fakes.

thank goodness for timmyninnymacaroni.
thank goodness for singyiwonkypingypongy.

i'll lock myself in and be deluded;
so much easier.

colour, no colour.

like life.

someone's under the impression waking him up is fun. =P

and getting splashed.

ok so that's kinda fun. umm.

i love you timmy-ninny-macaroni!

oh and,

winnie the pooh is a noob bear!

peace out. x

turn the corner and not look back

so many lies and so much pretence.

i swear having a lifestyle is a sin on it own. so easy to fall into and so hard to extract from.

so we watch Life zoom by
the silence not as tense,
but not without things left unsaid.
and i just want to hold you,
in the cold
and somehow make the clocks stop ticking.

maybe im reading too much in between lines

or maybe i should stop hoping for "in betweens".

that aside,

if only i had 3 wishes.

but is 3 enough? so much needed to be changed.

too much.

"hi i am ee-ki"

summing up the past two days,

weariness, tears, laughter, np open house, free shirts, bus rides, green chicken, prata, bonding with the classmates and a whole lot of love.

emotions were running high,
a cocktail of sane and not so sane ones.

i will go crazy someday

i hope at least it'll be for you.

i dont like tuna anymore.

uploading and deleting photos on friendster gave me revelation.

im tired
of always being on my toes

-edit

condom water balloons and old school stories.

lol.

-editagain

you know how some songs have nostalgic value?

the only song that has that is playing, and im quite overwhelmed by the emotions that i associate with it are flooding back all of a sudden.

its making me cry and laugh at the same time.

funny how just one song can juxtapose two emotions.

confusing.

im turning on repeat mode.

i need to get out of here.

cycling after the rain is so, liberating.

muddy water on my back, on my calves and the wind tearing past my face, need i say anymore?

for once, it didnt matter that i looked like crap. because i felt so free. just me and the bike, nothing else. even the cars and the people seemed to fade into oblivion.

just the smell of fresh grass and the sound of tinkling spokes.

i need to do this more often.

(this was for school)

this week sucks, the devil on the condom box is too appropriate.

it's one of those days. nothing seems to go well.

especially the thoughts inside my head.

either the rain is getting me down, or there's something really wrong with me. maybe its the workload. or the fucking cramps that just started up again.

as my msn nick goes,

cut off my fingers cause i dont want to feel anymore.

close the coffin lid
the sound is muffled.

close the coffin lid
i welcome the darkness.

close the coffin lid
my ugliness doesnt matter anymore.

close the coffin lid
no one ever needs to see me cry again.

close the coffin lid
maybe the pain will go away too.

close the coffin lid
please?

im just glad that at least i have you.

photoblogish entry.

it was lovelovelovelove today

despite the rain.

and my favourite of the lot.

thank you (for posing) sweetie

harry's again tomorrow.

the blurred lines when words fade

Well, writcomm and speechcomm stuff is finally over -for now. abit of time to rest before having to gather up the energy to face the next load.

i sat there and, i never felt more disengaged.

read: gender journal due next tues.

energy. ha.

im so tired. so damn tired. i wish i could close my eyes and sleep myself to a world where things just ran like clockwork and weariness didnt exist.

lousy day, everything is pissing me off.

screwyscrewyscrewy. never mind i guess. everyone's tired after all. live and let live.

me?

im living for saturday.

and the darkened path is the only way up.

whirlwind of emotions. up, down, down, down, up.

i know. lousy ass quality photo. shisha w/ sy, kc and timmeh.

prata at 12 and sleepovers at timmeh's.

gigantic fish&chips, boat quay, drinks, ciggies, qoo, kitty cat and a long cab ride home.

break the mirror im staring into;
i like the void.

hear me scream, watch me tear.
and clawing at myself.

take to the sea, skys or land, im always smiling when im with you.

hay tanewen i love you!

today was good. wow. havent said that in a long time.

test, subway, friends, lots of laugher, bus rides and much love.

i can go to bed smiling tonight.

upon reflection, all the material possesions i coveted like crazy are useless.
just you and me. i dont need anymore.
unbridled happiness.

interesting two days ahead. shisha tomorrow and something-with-timmymonster on saturday.

oh did i mention,

3 monthsssssss on sat. =)

Dearest bestie,

you crazy nut. i love you! 2007 is here and its another year im looking forward to whiz through with you by my side. you make everything dull come alive! 2006 is gone, and i can proudly say that we've been friends for a decade!

*fireworks and pop ballons

im truly glad that unlike other frienships, ours hasnt given in to the harsh nature of time and crumbled like the earth would under the blistering heat of the sun. the past 10 years has been such a ride. so many ups and so many downs, so many changes and so many new people who've gone in and out of my life. and you've been with me every step of the way through it all.

you're the better than the bestest, craziest, maddest best friend i could ever ever create in a dr.frankenstein lab! im just so thankful for you because i know you're than just my friend and you're more than just my soul sister. you're a blessing that im very grateful to have receieved.

why?

because i know that despite being in different schools, despite living $13 worth of cab fare away from each other and especially despite the uncertainty of the future, anytime i turn around, you're gonna be there always watching my back, always ready with a listening ear and always there to be shoulder for me to cry on.

i've watched you grow and go through many changes in the past 10 years, just as you have seen me. and im so so so so so proud to say that you've become this mature individual who is slowly but surely asserting her standing in life and is ready to take whatever life will throw. that you're a person of amazing inner strength who's not afraid to ask for help or to fall back occasionally when life gets tough. that you're a person who treasures the value of friendship and will never leave her friends up the creek without a paddle, no matter how tempting it is to sometimes. that you've become more and more patient, willing to listen and trying your best to give the best advice possible. and even if when all else fails, always willing to be around anyway to get fat on ice cream as long as it makes the other party feel better.

and most of all, slowly growing into this really hot girl! =D

you know, if one day someone offers me the life of luxury we're always dreaming about (read: cars, no limit credit card charge accounts etc) and a body runway models would kill for in exchange for you and your friendship,

i'd turn him down.

because no amount of money or would-be toned muscles in my body will ever sway me into giving you up. never ever.

too bad, you're stuck with me even after our ashes are placed side by side in a crematorium. HOOHAH.

life is going to get tougher tougher, school, relationships etc. But no matter what, im always going to be by your side. im just a phone call away, 24/7. me loves you much!

Dearest timmytanewen,

my sillyboy! i look freaking funky in that picture but i posted it up anyway cause i think you look hot. =D

time sure flies doesnt it. just a minute ago it was late august/early september and we were talking about thai revolts and elephants in chains and suddenly, its 2007 and we're talking about 3 cats and dying by carbon.m in vans. teh madness.

its coming to three months in 4 days (and shit i have to finish that last page in the scrapbook before the 7th), and yet, it seems like only a week went by. you make time fly! gah ultimate cheesiness. okok ignoration.

you.. you.. I LOVE YOU LAH YOU CRAZY ONE.

you're the second blessing in my life, and once again, im extremely grateful for you. because you're the most amazing thing that's happened to me, and one of the best, if not THE best, choice ive ever made. there's just something about you!

although i know 3 months is not a very long time, but in that short period of time, i think you've taught me so much. you've taught me patience, you've taught me how to love myself, you've taught me to be less of an ass (ok so im still working on this) and you've taught me how to love again.

i bet people think we're just another couple, after a few months of the honeymoon period and then its byebye. i could laugh, because to me, you're more than just my boyfriend. you're also my second best friend, my confidant, my pillar of strength, my teacher, in some ways the older brother i never had and of course, the love of my life. there's so much i want to thank you for, and yet i know thank you is so inadequate. because you light my day with just a smile, you lift up my spirits with a wordless hug and you make me feel like the most special person ever with a simple kiss.

when we're together, i sometimes get the fleeting feeling that in this vast world, there's just the two of us. no more, no less. i really thank you for your patience. im so deeply touched that anyone would use this much energy on me.

you know, unlike others, im really looking forward to whatever the future has in store for us. even though sometimes i totally lose it and say stuff that i wish i could take back, i know that im going to enjoy every waking moment with you. i'll never ever "get bored" nor want anyone else. you're the best that i could ask for and even if better -if better even exists- comes along, i dont want him.

the past month has been the most trying one for me, and i really dont know what ive had done if you (and of course sy) weren't there to give me the strength i so greatly needed. you were the reason i never had a complete breakdown. despite the gloom and darkness that was slowly closing in on me, i never once (though i say it alot) truly found myself in a state where i wanted to just give up because you were always there for me. you provided me with that little spark of hope that kept me going on and though i know everything is far from ending, i dont fear it as much as i would have, simply because i know you'll wipe away my tears and tell me in that way of yours to be strong and that no matter what, i'll always have you to give me strength.

i can safely say that ive never known what love was, until you. =)

and. i want you to know that even though im still not very mature, and much too hot headed for my own good, anytime you need me at all, im always around to try and help. even if my world was crumbling down around me, i'll still find the strength to be there for you. because i love you and im really grateful for everything you've done for me. even if i cant help much, i'll be around anytime to give you a hug anyway!

ok. that was my rather clumsily put together thank you shout out to the two most important people in my life. sorry if some of the sentences are rather incoherent or dont seem to have much link!

Reading through all that, im really lucky to have both singyi and timmy. they are really a blessing. and i also realized, im only truly happy when im with either of them, or better yet, when all 3 of us together. for them, id give up my life in a blink of an eye and never regret it.

love? love is when i look at Singyi being retarded and Timmy laughing his oh-so signature timmylaughter.

strip me of everything i possess, but i'll keep going so long i have these two in my life.

because the both of them have showed me that true love does exist, and in the process, bringing me hope in this rather depressing world and giving me the strength to face each new day.

i dont think the world is a beautiful place, but i think MY world is beautiful, as long as these two are in it.

I love you.

im sitting on stones.

flying through the air held by barely anything, garlands of red flowers, disappearance, wet and slippery floors and raindrops upon my head.

someone take me away.

the new year's barely started, and the ratio of shit that's happening to the good stuff is something like

124568765432: 1

shoot me.

i recall a conversation i was having with singyi yesterday at harry's.

me: if only i really had nothing to live for. death would be an open option.

her: but really, we should ask ourselves, the things that are supposedly the barriers between us and death, are they really the things?

i wonder, if i was able to bring myself to not care about the people i do, would i still be alive?

life's a bitch.

really.

and slowly, the colours are fading to black and white.

give me a pair of wings and i'll fly away with you.

sometimes i marvel at the way life likes to play around with us. just 10 hours ago i was saying how 2007 started off great.

famous last words.

1 view, 3 ways of looking at it.

now, why does that sound so familiar?

i wish for so many things. toys when i was a kid, love when i didnt have it, money when i needed it etc.

i only wish for 2 things now.

touch, you bleed for me

Haaayyy. Happy new year y'all.

large fingers of lights reaching into the sky and smoking like chimmneys; how'd YOU ring in the new year?

1) Prata!

(seriously lawl)

2) Molly Malones (cause harry's @ boat quay was fullll)

mang.

3,2,1 COVER EARSSSS. happy new year!

3) Harry's @ Esplanade

(after alot of walking)

the epitome of boredom? us at harry's. no, really.

4) nightrider to where ever for cabs from dxo

hey cannot blame. 4 am.

the year's just started, and its kickass already.

or so my optimistic nature hopes.

it's been a year, 2006. new school. new friends. deeper friendships. crazy experiences. revelations. discoveries. this list will go on.

and the love of my life.

at least i know i still have a hold, regardless of how much life beats me down.

dinner cruise tomorrow, i mean, later. thank goodness Timmy's coming.

i should go bathe now. or something.

i am happy.