I need to take a breather.

5 hours ago i was euphoric, happy, laughing, crapping with my friends online and bonding in my tagboard over the lila loser who really ought to be shot, but that's a topic for discussion another day.

(and screw being cryptic)

5 hours later sees me staring blankly into the screen, vaguely aware of the jumping green adium duck i just downloaded an hour ago on my dock, crying like the world's biggest emo loser and about a million thoughts fighting for top position for being well, thought of first in my head.

stop the pounding, stop the tears. i know i should sleep and forget everything. but all i feel is numb

firstly, i hate feeling the way i feel now. miserable. vulnerable. loser-ish. i hate to give in to my emotions and i just did. everything's like a blur now.

I WANT TO ORGANIZE MY THOUGHTS.

I feel pain. I feel like my heart has just been crushed. I hate the way i have been behaving recently, i really regret it now and i effing (sorry i had to use this) wish i was free of all this shit.

i kinda miss the old days

I dont know if im doing the right thing. Im torn between doing what my heart is telling me to do and what i feel i should be doing logically. dammit.

i truly think that i dont know how to appreciate what i have and actually hold on to it, and long at the long term issues. all i know how to do is be spontaneous, and live in the now. but im just that kind of person, and now im fighting against that. Its not right. How the hell do you fight against your own thoughts? Its like, self denial or some shit.

I regret it now. Everything i did. Everything i said. Im so sorry.

i want to be my old free-spirited self, but i can't

i dont want it to feel like its an obligation, but in order to do that, i have to make like one of those sappy korean stars on drama serials and truly believe in that ironic thing, which is just ridiculously hard.

since when did doing something right feel so crappy and wrong?

they say you will fight for a cause you believe in, and stick to it all the way. but its hard you know? i dont know if i can do it, and if i cant, i certainly dont want to start it now and prolong the agony and deceit for everybody.

I hate myself for being so weak and ridiculously indecisive. and sickeningly shallow. hey i just alliterated that. hur.

i guess i'll just see how things will go as time progresses. hopefully everything will take a turn for the better and the way i hope it will turn out. but if it doesnt.. then well, it was good while it lasted.

i have alot more to rant actually, just that i dont exactly know how to do that without being irritatingly repetive.


in the meanwhile, i'll put all my hope into God and trust in Him because i really believe He will help me through this.