Ive deleted the past i dont know, 10 drafts ive written.

If i were to describe how im feeling now, it would be a strange and not very cocktail-friendly mix of anger, weariness, sadness, hurt, disgust, discontempt, wrath and strangely, relief.

Im really really tired. I dont want to be played anymore. When the FUCK is "the end" ever going to come? And for all you asswipes who think im referring to Timmy, im not so save your fucking gloating on my tagboard.

ha. sorry to have ruined the few mere seconds of "fun" you could have indulged in.

I realize im being selfish by writing this here, and perhaps even attention seeking but fuck. I dont give shit anymore. Im too tired.

Months after months of this endless tirade and im starting to question why no one bothers to go to the root of the fucking problem and just fucking solve it there. Why the whole go-around-the-damn-huckleberry-bush and feigning niceties and settling under the veneer of pretense and thinly coated rage?

The hell with it! Chuck it in the fucking trash can! Let it fly out of the damn window! Throw caution into the bloody wind! I mean, the son of a bitch is there!!! Go after him with a parang or something!! I dont see why I have to fucking suffer (as well as all the people who actually care about me) just because of stupidity and alot more of immaturity.

Sometimes i hate myself for not being able to do anything. I wish i could actually do something to put a stop to it all that doesnt necessitate jail time.

God. GROW UP FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Always telling me to be mature and all that shit. Practice what you fucking preach.

Im damn damn damn tired of all this shit. Makes me wonder why i even bother trying to tolerate it and yet STILL obey rules. Fuck. Whatever the hell for. Right before my eyes im seeing rules being broken and vows being nothing more than empty promises. oh yeah. i SHOULD follow rules. -.-

Nbcb. Everything's coming out of the closet now. Thank you for letting everything hit me at one go like a big yellow school bus.

Its always the same. 2 weeks or so of peace (or less), and then WHAM. And the cycle goes on as such. I used to wonder why i wasnt very affected by it all after a while.

Now i believe its called being immune. I refuse to waste anymore tears. I dont feel much sadness anymore. Its an emotion i cannot have the luxury of having unnecessarily.

Tell me, how do i numb myself?

And, thanks for playing me over and over again. I know you're doing it unintentionally (wow now i know why i do that sometimes too. its fucking genetic! woohoo!) but dammit. Enough is enough already! Im lucky im pretty jaded to all this, or id be a wreck. But coming from you guys of all people. It still feels like someone is poking me with a damn voodoo doll nonstop.

I cant believe what ive read about in books and watched on telly and heard of would actually be part of my reality. As a kid i wondered how it'd feel like. Now i know. -.-

BUT.

Despite all this. I sense that the end is near very soon and while it may be the be all and end all for most people, im relieved. No more mediating, no more having to blast itunes on lousy ibook speakers, no more feeling torn, no more feeling pressured to make a split second decision and take sides and most of all, a thin hope of sanity looms somewhere.

Then again, maybe not.