Christmas is coming in a few days, so is the much anticipated hk jaunt with ying and sy and a VERY much anticipated nearly-2-week break from work (office is closed).

despite that Christmas is all about love, giving and sipping hot chocolate around a roaring fireplace (or bbq pit in my case, if it pulls through), i'm not feeling festive at all. Its like, oh, its christmas?

big whoop. it's just another public holiday of the year that is just more "special" because its commercialized as hell.


i was talking to the funny one last night, and amidst the WTFs and the LOLs and the bantering back and forth, i realized (ok i realized this a long time ago) that i have nothing to live for except my friends. don't get me wrong guys, i'd gladly cover a puddle of mud with my favourite leather jacket so you don't get your shoes dirty but..

imo, its not a good enough reason to live is it. they always say you you should do things for yourself, which i agree with totally but what happens when yourself has reached a point of apathy where you find yourself not wanting anything anymore?

all my proverbial mountains that i was planning to scale with an enthusiam that could rival a cheerleader's have crumbled. start an ad agency, bah. open a bar, if it happens it happens lor. backpack around asia, meh.


"dont think so much" is pretty much the answer ive been getting. Thats besides the point. What difference does it make if i think about it or not? It's not like im going to be some emokid overnight and kill myself. I cant be bothered to, in any case. Too much of a hassle.

im tired of living life like this- just stumbling through the days and doing the minimum to survive. or barely the minimum, since i seem to be surviving on a diet of cigarettes and a few mouthfuls of whatever whenever.


so,


Dear Santa,

All i want for christmas this year is discover that there is something i want to fight for. something that i will throw my entire self into and stick with to the bitter end. something that will see me battered, but contented.

something that i will care about.



OKAY. call me crazy but after writing all that, i think i kinda like this life of apathy at the same time.

what is happening to me. god.